Judgement Though Social Media

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Hello, my name is Lisa, and I judge people based on their Facebook pages. I have over 1,000 friends on Facebook, and I know about 90% of them personally. I’m not saying this to sound “cool” or popular, I’m only providing numbers.  Obviously, I do not know all of these people extremely well. Some are acquaintances, or friends’ in laws, or my in laws’ friends (you get the idea). None the less, I liked some of these people UNTIL I became their friends on Facebook. Even with some of my closest friends, I HATE them through social media. I’m serious, sometimes their posts make me hate them. I don’t care about what they ate for breakfast, or what type of traffic they’re sitting in. And their dogs dressed up like Santa??!! Who cares!!! This goes the other way as well. There are people that I have known for years on an acquaintance level, and once I became friends with them on Facebook, I realized what a cool person they are, or how funny, or even that they were involved with charities etc… In some ways social media is like a giant cocktail party. Sometimes we stop to “comment” or have a conversation, and other times we keep scrolling, which is equivalent to ducking someone that you don’t want to interact with in person. Will I keep judging? Yup. I can’t really help myself. I don’t feel guilty about it though, I know there’s at least one person out there doing the same to my account. (Although I can’t imagine whom it could be – I’m hilarious! ;-))

 

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At Home Therapy

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I’ve been a hairdresser for about ten years now. I’ve worked in salons, but currently, I freelance and go to my clients’ homes and do their hair and/makeup there. I used to have them come to my home, but then they never wanted to leave, and I always felt obligated to feed them. So now I take my little salon on wheels (referring to my rolling suitcase), and I go to them where I “bring beauty to their homes.” (I’m paraphrasing my business card). I have clients of all ages and backgrounds. Sometimes its a quick haircut. Other times, it’s a color, cut, highlights, and keratin, while I cut their husbands’ and/or children’s hair while they process. I also do a lot of hair and makeup for bridal parties which is usually very high energy, and a lot of pressure, as well as a lot of fun. One thing is for sure,it’s always interesting. A big reason that I have built my clientele, is due to convenience. I don’t mind going to them at night after their children are asleep, or even early in the morning before the photographer shows up on their wedding day. But after doing this for years, I realize that my personality is part of the service as well. Yesterday I went to two of my clients back to back. The first one, is Maria, the 84 year old lady from the projects. I spent a little over an hour with her, and I think it made her day. I colored her hair, and while it processed, we sat and talked about her children, and late husband, while she tried to pull gossip out of me, and also ask me about my love life. When I left, I went straight to Christine, who is a 30 year old single mother of two, who shared her latest news about her new boyfriend, and vented about her job, while I gave her a full head of highlights and cut her 10 year old daughter’s hair. Maria told me how much she loved  my visits, and I made Christine laugh the whole time I was with her. Last night, I came to the realization that I share a deep intimacy with each of my clients. Not only are they trusting me with their hair, but I am  being welcomed in their homes (which in this day and age, that says a lot). When you’re in such a close proximity to a person, there’s a bond that forms, and people really feel comfortable telling me their secrets, as I begin to tell them about some of my crazy shenanigans making me more pleasing to be around. Yes, these women (mostly), help me pay my bills, and I am providing them with a service. But they provide a lot for me as well. They provide me with company when I am lonely, confidence in myself when they look in the mirror and they love the work that I’ve just done, some great laughs, and so much more. Every person, that we come in contact with, can provide us with something beautiful. I do not just “bring beauty” to my  clients’ homes, I take a little bit out with me each time I leave.

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Blogging Under Pressure

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I usually get inspired at least once throughout the day. I’ll jot things down, and tell myself that I want to one day write about them. Starting this blog has been a great way to force me to write, however, this thirty day challenge has put a lot of pressure on me. I’ve slacked off for the last couple of days, because the truth be told, the pressure, has made it less inspiring for me. I come up with an idea for a blog, post, I sit down, begin to write, then I hate it. Although I like the discipline, the forced blogging makes the process a little less organic. I know that many writers work under a deadline, I just haven’t figured out how to keep a deadline and remain interesting. So until then, you may be reading about how, I went for gas, and picked up dry cleaning, on days that I cannot find anything more interesting to write about.

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Sex and Staten Island

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I was born and raised on Staten island. I never went away to college, and I’ve never lived anywhere else. I do hair and makeup and have waitressed and bartended for years, on this Island, so it’s safe to say, I’m a staple. When I walk into any party, I seem to know everyone. It’s usually nice, but sometimes exhausting. Now that I’ve started a business, this has really come in handy. It seams that most people like me, which has made it easier for me to build more clientele. However, living in the same place your whole life can have its disadvantages as well. Everyone knows everyone’s business, and I am no exception. When you’re single and in your thirties, it’s very hard to meet someone, because “He already went out with ‘Toniann,’ who’s heart he broke, and she can’t move on, still calls him all the time, and writes Facebook status’ every day about him.” or He’s “‘Vinny’s’ best friend,  and ‘Vinny’ and I have  been talking for a while, but Vinny won’t leave his wife,” or possibly, “He was my best friends ‘booty call’ on and off, for ten years, and even though she’s married and has two kids, I still can’t go near him (besides I know he has a little d**k)”.   These sound like exaggerations, but are actually completely on point when it comes to dating on Staten Island. It seems everyone has a connection to everyone, and there’s always a negative story attached to anyone you meet. People love to disclose scandalous stories of other people’s lives. Staten Islanders practice this to the umpteenth power!  For years I hung out in bars, looking around, and wondering who swapped spit with whom. Now, I go to parties, and know exactly who has “hooked up” in the past, and I laugh to myself. When I run an event on Staten Island, I’m sober and I can see everything from the outside, so it can be pretty entertaining watching certain interactions unfold. For years, I’ve been saying that I wanted to write a column, much like the original “Sex and the City,” but based on Staten Island, and the dramatic and crazy scenarios that my friends and I have accumulated throughout the years.  Stay tuned…some of these stories, just may get incorporated into this blog. 😉

 

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Mommy Issues

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I’m starting to realize that an adult woman’s relationship with her mother can go one of two ways. One is that, the two will be so close that they share every detail, go to lunch together constantly, and are each other’s rocks. The other way it can go, sadly, is the way my relationship with ,my mother has turned out. We’re more like acquaintances that share obligatory phone calls, once a week, sometimes every other week. It’s not that I want this relationship, but it’s just the way it turned out, and I do not know how to mend it at this point. My parents moved to Freehold New Jersey, from Staten Island about ten years ago. I was devastated and pissed off. My mother, who doesn’t drive over bridges, put a bridge between us. Although I didn’t live with them when they moved, I used to see my parents often, because I only lived five minutes away. I’d fight with my father, but I had a good relationship with my mother at this point. They say the teenage years between mother and daughter are the worst, and this was no exception between my mother and I. But when I was in my early twenties, things began to shift, our relationship was becoming a healthy adult one,  and that’s just when she left. I’m actually coming to this realization right now, as I write this. This has to be where my resentment comes from. It’s a very uncomfortable experience for me to go sit and have dinner with my parents, so I do not do it often. My father is always yelling and complaining, and truth be told, my mother is a shell of the woman she once was. I could continue and go on about my resentments, but I won’t. I’m just sad about it. Sad that I can go to a friend’s house, and sit with their parents for hours and laugh, and I’ve never had that relationship with my own parents. I’m sad, because I miss my mother, and I never see her, and when we speak we have zero in common. In this life, you only get one mother, and I’m lucky enough to still have mine here. This is a relationship that I know I must mend. I love my mother with all my heart, and I wish she were my best friend. Although she isn’t, she’s still a great mother, and she’s only getting older, it’s my responsibility to make more time for her. 

 

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Closure

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The other night I visited an old boyfriend, seeking closure. It had been months since our breakup, but for some reason (or numerous reasons), I could never shake the unresolved feelings I had about how our relationship had ended. Deep down I knew (even at the time of the breakup) that this relationship would eventually run its course and end. But when it ended so abruptly, the inner child within me was screaming “Please don’t leave me.” This man, is someone that I still care for deeply, and for some reason I have a strange need for approval from him (This blog is titled “Daddy Issues,” so I guess it’s not really that hard to figure out why). When I left him the other night, I had all the answers I needed. It really was him and his own relationship hangups, that had very little to do with me. It had’t been anything I had done.  I’m a strong believer in not taking things too personal, because everyone has their own baggage and pain that usually has nothing to do with us, when it’s turned onto  us. However, I needed to hear it, and see it face to face. I even obsessed about the minor details on the way home, rather than looking at the big picture. I realized the next morning, that all I was really trying to do was re-write history. This wonderful relationship with this man, who came into my life exactly when I needed him to, had ended badly, and that was something that I didn’t want to accept. Accepting the breakup has been easy for quite some time now. Love would have never been enough in this relationship, and deep down I knew (even when we were together) that we were just too different.  We’ve been friendly, and have called each other on holidays and birthdays since the breakup, but I felt a need to clear all of the resentments. What I truly realized is that I was keeping my own self locked in the past. He hadn’t been. He didn’t have any resentments towards me, and he owned his part in everything that had happened. Am I happy I went to go see him? Yes.  It was just what I needed. There were obviously moments of familiarieity that made me nostalgic and miss him (He is also an old crush of mine from about ten years ago), But there were also moments that I looked at him, and said to myself “Thank God I dodged this bullet.”  The truth is, I had what it took to move forward from it all along, I held onto the pain of this breakup along with the confusion as as security blanket to not move forward to the unknown.   I was letting my fear of just how badly the newt guy could possibly hurt me, paralyze me, and keep me in this stunted place of growth. It’s truly a liberating, and freeing feeling when you can finally understand that although something doesn’t last, it does not mean that it wasn’t meaningful. This short term relationship was one of the most significant romantic relationships of my life thus far, because it was exactly what I need when I need it. Both the negative and the positives.  It’s over, and that’s ok. It taught me about myself, and what I really wanted in life, and what I had to change in order to get what I wanted. He showed me how I deserved to be treated, and he taught me that I could love again, even after being broken. The biggest irony here, is that I was able to love him after I thought I could never love again, but after this experience, I’m more gun shy in relationships than ever before. I know he was much more significant than a rebound, but he did bring me back to life again. Did he knock the wind out of me when it was over? Yes, but it’s my choice now, to decide if I want to stay there, and I do not. I had wanted closure so that I could move on, but the real truth is, once you can accept something for what it is, that’s all the closure you need. Another lesson learned.

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Things NEVER to say to a single woman!

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Earlier today, my good friend Michele and I were discussing all of the annoying things that people tell us, as single women. You know, similar to the things people say when they see a pregnant woman and tell her “Oh I could tell that you’re having a girl, just by the way you’re carrying.” What they really mean is, “Wow, you got really fat!” Or, how about when you just get home from your honeymoon, and you’re asked, “So when are you gonna have a baby?” We all know these uncomfortable questions pop up in all of our lives, no matter which stage you are in. For us, single ladies, we get asked certain  questions  that make our skin crawl.  Knowing that I’m currently blogging, Michele, came up with this idea for a post. We decided to collaborate all of the things that we, as single women at the ages of 33 and and 34 (I’m sorry I was just corrected, Michele is 32 and 11/12 – her birthday is next week) are sick of hearing! So to all of the single women reading this, we want you to know, that you’re not alone, and we know hearing these following things come out of people’s mouths could be extremely frustrating. We feel your pain! And to all of the people who are saying these things, we know you all mean well (well maybe some of you), but if you have said any of the things that you are about to read to a single woman (especially over thirty), please just stop! 😉 Single ladies, please feel free to add your own input in the comments section…we’re dying to hear more! Ok, so here it is….Mine and Michele’s list of things to NEVER say to a single woman, also with the responses that we REALLY want to give, but refrain from saying:

1. Statement: Have you tried online dating?

Response: No,what’s that? Do I have to dial up? Do I need a modem? Is there a chatroom on AOL or Yahoo? Oh, your cousin’s, bother in law’s best friend’s sister met someone on Match.com and they’re getting married next fall? I’ll have to give it a shot!!! (As if I’m not bombarded by commercials all day and night telling me that if I signed up for free TODAY, I would be in love by Christmas)

2. Statement: If I wasn’t already married, I’d definitely try online dating!

Response: SInce you got married in 1984, you have not the SLIGHTEST clue about how many bad dates you have to go on, to find one semi normal person after months of sitting through bad dates, and numerous credit card statements later from online dating sites. As well as the liquor store expense after the bad date has ended. A lot has changed since you and your husband bought your first Beta Box, these guys are just looking to take you out for coffee and to get you into bed. They don’t even feed you anymore!!!

3. Statement (When at a wedding): “Don’t worry, you’re next.”

Response (When at a funeral): “Don’t worry, you’re next.”

4. Statement: “Have you thought about freezing you eggs?”

Response: Have you thought about giving me $10,000 for the cost of freezing my eggs, as well as the monthly expense of storing my babies in a freezer? Oh and the hormone shots! I can’t wait to gain twenty pounds, while more hormones are making me an emotional disaster, and then go home alone every night! Which will actually make me gain FORTY pounds, because my I’ll gain another twenty from the Haggan Dazs that’ll be next my embryos in my own freezer, because I can’t afford the rental space! ”

5. Statement: “What happened with (insert ex’s name)?”

Response: “We were madly in love and perfect for each other, but we decided that we don’t want to be happy, so we’ll just part ways and be miserable for the rest of our lives!”

6. Statement: “Don’t worry, it will happen, you have time.”

Response: “Thanks… you’re so convinced it will happen, but fives minutes ago, you told me to freeze my eggs!”

7. Statement: “You’re so beautiful, why can’t you find a nice man?”

Response: “That’s very kind of you to say, but maybe my personality just sucks.”

8. Statement: “You’re so lucky, you get to come home to a quiet house.”

Response: “Don’t worry, the tapping of my keyboard keeps the ruckus going as I respond to all my “pokes” and “winks” that I receive from my online dating and social media accounts….my laptop keeps me warm at night.”

9. Statement: “Don’t any of your friends husbands have someone for you?”, or “Can’t ‘so and so’ set you up with someone?”

Response: “Yes, they have this rich, handsome, smart, successful, family oriented, funny, and kind man, that fell madly in love with me just by looking at my photo, but I decided, ‘Nah, I’ll try my luck elsewhere!'”

10. Statement: “The right guy will come along when you stop looking.”

Response: “I stopped looking for him under my bed, and in my cabinets, but funny, when I wake up in the morning to make myself a cup of coffee, he’s not sitting at that kitchen table!”

11. Statement: “Are you putting yourself out there?”

Response: “What does that mean exactly? Should go out, and stay out until I meet someone? Does this involve a change of clothes?”

12. This last one, isn’t really  a statement at all, but it’s our favorite; it’s the held tilt, that coincides with the arm rub, followed by “How are you?” Yes, we’re single, and at a certain age, it’s safe to say we’ve all had our hearts broken at least once, but please don’t feel sorry for us, and tilt your head in sympathy. This list is tongue and cheek, however, there’s definite truth to it. We’re happy in our lives, but just like people in relationships, we have our ups and downs. There’s nothing wrong with creating your own happiness and THEN finding someone to share it with. Although, we’re not currently attached, we know in our hearts, we will eventually find the right person. Thats when we’ll be asked; “So when is he gonna propose?”, “When are you gonna have a baby?”, Are you gonna try for the girl?” We’ll keep you updated when those question and responses come in! Stay tuned…..

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